Point at it with a Pipe

I maintain quite firmly that a pipe can give a great deal of authority to ones actions. I feel that if I pointed at an object with a pipe then people would be more likely to pay attention to it than if I merely gestured with a finger. I’ve come to this conclusion after having watched Dr No for the hundredth time at work. I’ve also decided that evil crime lord lairs must have a large empty room for disembodied voice conversations and a place where your death can be unusually slow.

With the pipe idea in mind I’ve proposed to PC World managers that a section of the store should be redesigned. I think that there should be a area with wood panelled walls and a leather padded door for an entrance. When one enters this area a member of staff would greet them. warmly. The staff member would  need to be seated on a green leather armchair, wearing a smoking jacket, with a pipe in their hand; they would also preferably be sporting corduroy slacks and brown shoes (very important academic apparel). In this room one would discuss additional purchases to accompany their PC, obviously with the important points highlighted by confident pipe action. I believe the presence of the pipe alone could increase sales tenfold!

I eagerly await the decision from management regarding my idea and hope that its suggestion prompts quick removal of Dr No from the sales floor, bringing an end to the incessant loop of the James Bond classic which has driven me to the edge of reason.

I can still save your bacon!

Today was my first day back at work after a great two week break in Sardinia. It’s never great being back at work after a holiday but it’s especially bad when you are back to work on a Monday to a job you know you are leaving soon. There is just no motivation.

Motivation plummeted a little more when rain began to pour in a thunderous fashion on the roof of the store I work in. By lunch time I was needing a real pick-me-up so I decided to go to a supermarket an pick up a little Deli food to remind me of the good cuisine I had whilst in Sardinia. Salami, Olives, Olive oil and Camembert cheese was purchased, then slowly savoured as I relaxed back into the memories of a great holiday.

Back at work my bliss bubble was shattered when I discovered that I’d started work one hour early by mistake. Now be leaving at 19:00 not 18:00.

The end of the day finally arrived. Catriona had called to say that she wanted to buy a freezer so I now had a lift home. Things were looking up.

The shopping experience in Curry’s was excellent. I’ve not been made to feel excited about kitchen goods but Michael was so enthusiastic about the freezers that we just couldn’t but help to feel the same way. Standing at the counter, Catriona said to me, ‘ You know, it’s funny that I’m only really wanting this thing today because I bought some bacon on sale at 34p! Who would have thought that it could cost me £150 for on sale bacon?’ We laughed, it was funny that on sale food could make us buy a freezer. Ten minutes after entering the shop we were the proud owners of a new freezer. Two minutes later we were sitting opposite McDonald’s, at the side of the road, with a broken down car.

I couldn’t help smiling at this situation because I’d been here before; 6 months ago Catriona and I had decided to buy a dishwasher from Curry’s. We’d picked it up in her mum’s car (her car had broken down that week during an impulsive chocolate purchase) and drove home, backed the car to the front door, unloaded the dishwasher at which point the car had died. The rescue company wasn’t going to arrive for an hour so Catriona and I decided to pass the time chatting. At some point in the conversation Schrödinger's cat popped up. Catriona asked what it was, to which I began to explain the scenario involving cats, poisons and quantum particles. I mentioned the that the cat in the box was both dead and alive, in every possible state at the same time until it was observed, that it was in a superposition. Catriona drolly replied that the cat didn’t seem to be in a super position then announced that she was bored.

Three recovery vans, two hamburgers and a McFlurry later we arrived back home in the rain with our new freezer. After hauling it up three flights of stairs and unpacking it I spent the next hour changing the door to the opposite side whilst cursing my tools for being inefficient. I know a bad workman blames his tools but a screwdriver whose head falls off when you turn it vertically really is a bad tool. Finally I announced to Catriona that I could save her bacon. I went to turn on the freezer but then something that has never before happened, happened. I looked at the manual. To my horror I discovered that the freezer couldn’t be turned on for four hours, the food couldn’t be put in for another twenty four hours. Catriona and I looked at one another, all we could do was shrug.